Starting

Ok, so today I start a new blog-one that probably will only be for me. It is ok-truth is-it is cheaper than therapy, so here goes!
I like to write out my feelings-it feels good to just let them out of me on to another canvas-online seems more real-or raw to me however. It is harder for me to just let it out-I think because this is something that will be able to be read or found by others-how unlikely that may be. In that chance that someone might read this, I find it difficult to be truthful and to really be unbiased on my thoughts and my reflections. I have no desire to hurt anyone or to make any one uncomfortable but this is my blog and this is my life and I can no longer tip toe around others feelings and continue stomping all over my own.
So here goes
People say I am wise-
wise beyond my years-I have heard this said many, many a time to me.
I am not sure what that means exactly
I think that wisdom is not so much found in our years but in our experiences and let's be honest here
some of us have had WAYYYYY more experiences than others and some at a much younger age.
I think that at this point I can admit I am one of those people.
I was not physically abused so lets just get that cleared up
this is not a poor me blog
this is a self reflection
growth and understanding of what makes me tick kind of blog!!!

I am different
I think I have always been a lil different
OK A LOT different
I am ok with that-now
I am not sure I always was so comfortable with that
I find myself at times still trying desperately to fit in to a world that I just don't fit into
I don't think I ever will stop I suppose-I think it is ingrained in us to continue to try and be what society sees as normal
my husband is normal
he is crazy normal and very healthy in the mind
I-well I not so much
sometimes I wonder if I lured him into this relationship on the pretense that I was normal and then WHAM-O guess what-NOT NORMAL!!
HAHA
I don't know and he is to big hearted to ever admit it I suppose
so I may never know that answer to that question

As a child I was different
I have a very spiritual side to myself that I have never really had any control over-it just does it's thing
some days I can't even check into the reality of the physical world because my mind and soul are so consumed by this other spiritual side

Yep, let that role around in your head for awhile.

You heard me right-
If you have known me well-you may already know this about me-but to just meet me-you would have no idea.
Sometimes I think it makes me unique
sometimes I think it makes me weird
sometimes I embrace it
sometimes I hate it
but all the time it is there-it is me-it is built in
I can not explain it to anyone-I do not understand it myself
I am 36 years old-I read every religions book I can find-I try to understand all religious paths through this worldly research concept-but that all only fit a little then I find that parts just DO NOT resignate with me at all
All religions basically have similar construct
but not all spritual-and those are the religions that hate me
I was raised in this sort of religion
BOY was I
as  young child there was an amazing pastor-whom I LOVED-who got it
he even went so far as to be able to explaint to my parents how it was that my soul could leave my body at 3 years old
yes at 3 years old-if I needed to call to my parents my sould would leave my physical body and it would do what it needed to be fulfilled
I guess nothing much has changed-my soul still searches for what it needs-even when I try to navigate the physical world and be normal
at 3 there was no real normal-that incident with that pastor and my parents fear of my talents were the first inclination that I was not, "normal" and that-that very fact scared people
lesson 1-3 years old-be normal or people will be afraid of you
got it 
My mom who means well I know-is a spritual person as well-I think it is hereditary but it seems that by spending her entire life fighting it-she has almost made her seld pychotic instead of psychic-seriously-I am not sure that is possible-but if it is-I think she did
I am not trying to make excuses for her or her horrible concept of how to raise a child, I am just now wondering if this may be the root or at least some of the reason she is how she is
I digress
my mother I believe now is probably borderling personality disorder
BPD-I always thought she had some disorder-I used to pour myself into books on personality disorders thinking I would find some clues-but I never really did-yes books were my friend :)
as an adult I read books on adults raised by BPD parents and I see myself written in the lines
I do it all or have done it all
even the, "checking out" that is what I called it
I would wake up at school or other places and have no idea how I got there or when
I remember reading that book sybil and thinking I HAD multiple personalities that took over in those times that I lost time-typically it happened in the morning-I would wake up already at school maybe an hr or so into school-I cant tell you what triggered them-I really do not remember-I just rememebr that really weird feeling of waking up somewhere I did not remember going!! I never told a SOUL-not until I meet my husband-he is a story in itself of growth and wisdom but from the begining I showed him my gifts-my being able to see some future events and my ability to read other people with uncanny accuracy-even if just with a picture-and I did tell him about the lapse of time stuff-honestly it hasn't happened since I was about 14 or so-the last time I can remember was in 8th grade-so I dunno what changed-but that is that last I can remember waking up and not being sure how I got there!
I do not remember a whole lot about my mom and I as I was growing up
I remember asking my dad to divorce her
gosh how that would break my heart if my kids felt that way about  me
but I wanted to so desperatly to be happy and to be far far a way from her
my dad used to say she was normal when I married her-whatever that means
or she might be in menopause-----seriously dad-then she has been in menopause since I was what 2
ughhhhhhh
he was no saint-
temper
temper
temper
he was always flying off the handle
he thought women were nothing compared to men
and he hated anyone of any color or nationality-except white people
narrowminded-racist-sexists-hateful-miserable-
the weird part is I knew this growing up but it didn't seem to bother me so much then-I thought the sun and the moon set with my dad-he was my rock-I LOVED MY DAD!!
I was a complete daddies girl
it wasn't til I got older I saw his nasty stuff
I think I needed to love him-
he was my normality
my brother-I seriously do not remember much about him either-just his temper-he was always in trouble-we were always trying to get him some kind of, "help"
he tormented me
maybe not him so much but him being there
him just being born was torment for me
I was much easier to control so it seems that is what happened my mom controlled me or tried to-becuase she could
ryan would mess up my room-I was forced to clean it
ryan would not help with chores-I was forced to do his and mine
ryan wouldnt this so I did it
ryan wouldnt that so I did it
story of my life
in retrospect I suppose this worked out more in my favor than in his-since I have at least some concept of responsibility in my veins
I know
I know
there are so many people out there with horror stories that make mine seem like a fairy tale-I get that-I get that
but it doesn't me that my story isn't affecting me as an adult or that I don't need to work out some issues
or that I do not deserve to find some peace about the crappy way my parents, my family behaved
was I perfect-no-no I wasn't I know there were times that I pushed my moms buttons because I could and well because I quit caring what she thought, said or did-by the time I had my liscense my dad bought me and car and he finally stuck up for about letting me go and get out of the house-and trust me I rarely looked back-by 14 I was attending a private school and I was involved in sports and so I stayed with friends and such about 30 min from home and was rarely even at my house-unbeknownst to me-this became my respite!! My dad with his many faults and yes he had them worked a paper route to pay for my tuition-and for that I am eternally greatful!!
my dad passed away a few years back and I recieved some letters he had wrote to his mom (long story) from the navy and I read them and them I saw compassion a more  open minded view of the world than the one I remembered seeing-I wonder if he had PTSD and just never got treatment-I wonder if he was so mean and nasty in the end after living that long with my mom and her craziness
I know
I know
how cliche right
everything in my life in my mothers fault
well-
if the shoe fits
ok ok
so not everything is my mothers fault
but I am really working on making peace with several areas of crap she did leave behind
I tell people-friends-my mom is crazy and they do not believe me
she looks normal
she acts normal(sometimes)
but then she has these weird times when she is not normal
I know when these times are coming-most of the time I can see it in her facial expressions and mannerisms
but not always-but most of the time
on one particular evening allllll my friends were here and my lovely family even dad!
They all decided to play cards
I could just tell my mom was in one of her moods-so I opted out of cards
Yes I could have warned everyone else but then I am just talking bad about my mom
and on the off shot I was wrong =well let them have cards-right?
NOPE wasn't wrong
maybe half hour into it-my friend comes up and is like-your mom is losing it
yep-not wrong-still got it
then I hear yelling raised voices my mom calls my cell phone(I am upstairs-the card game just below me)
my mom calls saying that janice is upstairs talking about her-she just came up to talk bad about her and she knows it and blah blah blah
at the time I smoothed it over-assured my mom no one was talking about her and just left it at that
then called all my friends and apologized that night-they were all like-it wasn't u and you are right she is crazy I thought you were making it all up-I thought you were over exaterating-NOPE no over exageration needed-she is just bat shit crazy
I just do not want to be bat shit crazy like her
I worry that my hormones will mess up and that will turn me into her
PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT LET ME BE HER
anytime I remotley remind myself of her-i contemplate suicide
I will NOT let me kids be put through the hell I was put through
all through my growing up days I told her if she was a crazy when they were little as she was with me she would never see her grandkids
and guess what-she almost caused me to lose the pregnancy with my youngest son because of her antics
thank GOD he is safe and healthy but grrrrrrrrrrr
we moved to another town when he was a year old-she and my dad divorced but my crazy ass brother moved in with my dad with his daughter so I did not see my dad at all and I tried like hell to avoid my mom-and so we moved!!
My kids are well aware of all of this-I tell them the truth-I don't know maybe it is more than they should know as kids but i just go with transparency is the best policy!!!
My kids are my whole world-I bought books and tried to figure out the best way to be mom
I guess my approach was attachement parenting-I only recently learned that term(my kids are 14 and 10)
the problem I see know is that it may be possible I am still attachment parenting as in-I NEED them-emotionally they stabalize me and well I do not think that is healthy-as they get older I see the need for me to be able to let them grow and to not place so much need on them for myself and my own emotional needs-sooooo not their responsibility!! BUT I SEE IT
I think seeing it is the first step
and I SEE IT in a BIG way
They are AMAZING boys
I am so lucky they picked me as their mama because they reaffirm to me everyday-I am a good mom and a therefore a good person and not my mom-in their actions and choices-----seeeeeeee that is the unhealthy connection-they are not responsible for making me feel like a good person and yet-there it is-alll wrapped up in a cute little bow with a card that says return to sender!!!!!!
But in all seriousness
I can see that I need to move forward with my goals and aspirations
that I need to find ways to fulfill my extreme need to NOT be my mom in other ways that do not involve my poor kiddos
let us be super crazy honest here-
gavin is 14 this year and he is going to screw up between now and 18-probably a lot
he makes great choices-he understands the consequences of choices he knows to weigh out good and bad-but he is also a kid and teenage years-you are testing out some seriously rought waters-trying to feel out personal beliefs even when they go against the grain-and some times the right thing is super hard to do and sometimes it is even hard to find or see-so truth is he is going to completely fuck up-at some point he is going to fuck up and completely disappoint me-and when he does I want to be able to help him understand it and learn from and use it as a building block-NOT a chance for him to feel so guilty for disappointing me-not something that I need to take as a personal failure- not something that needs to uproot the very foundation I stand on-my boys are not my foundation-they cannot be-it is not their job to support my emotional instabilities and I can see this!!! I hope that by writting this and by contemplating it here and by thinking through it, I can hopefully find a way to navigate the teenage years as succesfully as I seemed to have navigated the earlier years
BEING a mom is my whole lifes purpose-it is my job, my aspiration, my true love!!!